Friday, November 30, 2012

Anniversary Blues

Jamie and Kurt are a sweet, successful couple in their early thirties. In spite of loving each other deeply, they often find themselves in conflict over seemingly minor issues, as most couples do. Recently, just one week before their wedding anniversary, they had a particularly hurtful argument. Jamie had expressed her unhappiness about Kurt's busy schedule and the limited time he finds to spend with her. As usual, Kurt promised to try harder and they got through it. But having not dealt with the real issues at hand, the problem was bound to resurface. Jamie unknowingly began planting the seeds for their next bout when she decided to bring up the subject of their anniversary.

"Kurt, I just wanted to remind you that next week is our anniversary and it's really important that we plan something special for us."

Kurt took a deep breath and responded, "Jamie, you know I don't really like celebrations."

"Oh come on Kurt. It's really important to me." Nearly pleading, Jamie continued. "When you really love someone, you try to do what is important to them, right? I made the plans last year and now it's your turn. Why don't you surprise me...something really romantic! Okay?"

Silent and distant, Kurt gave a slight nod, which was all the assurance Jamie needed that this anniversary would be exceptional. She could barely work that week fantasizing about what Kurt would do to demonstrate his everlasting love. Finally, the day arrived! Kurt had agreed to be home by six o clock. By twenty past six, Jamie was anxious. With each glance at the clock, her pacing quickened. At last, Kurt walked through the door looking tense and clutching a bouquet of red roses. Jamie took the roses with a wary smile, anticipating what was coming next. Without even so much as a glance, Kurt turned around, got a beer out of the fridge, and sank into the couch, grabbing the remote control.

Jamie watched intently, feeling her blood turn to ice. "That's it?" she asked.

"That's what?"

"That's it? It's our anniversary!" Jamie's tone grew sharp. "You said you would plan something special and romantic and this..." shaking the roses in her clenched fist, "this is it?"

"I never said I would do anything," Kurt retorted. "I told you it wasn't my thing."

"Don t lie to me! You nodded yes!"

"No, I didn't. I didn't agree to anything. You always want me to prove that I love you. I hate that! Even if I did want to do something for our anniversary, I certainly wouldn't want to after you tell me you expect it! Sullenly, Kurt turned back to the TV. You take all the fun out of everything.

Jamie dissolved into tears. "Well if you knew how to show me you loved me, I wouldn't have to say anything."

Without a word, Kurt turned off the TV and left the house.

Once again, Jamie and Kurt were left feeling unheard and unappreciated. Their conditioned response was to blame each other for their hurt feelings and angry behavior.

In order to understand how things went so wrong, we need to look at the interaction in terms of their intention to learn or their intention to protect.

Jamie starts out trying to control Kurt by making him feel guilty. Kurt, not wanting to be controlled and not able to communicate how being controlled makes him feel, moves into resistance, which is his form of control. Jamie thinks that laying on more guilt (control) will accomplish her objective to have a romantic anniversary. Since Kurt is frustrated with his inability to express his brewing feelings, he moves into silence (control). Finally, when Kurt comes home late and sits on the sofa, he demonstrates passivity (control) to which Jamie responds with anger (control). Kurt uses more resistance (control) and Jamie uses more anger and guilt (control). Kurt gets defensive (control) and disappears (control). Attack, resist, blame, defend, on and on...Sound familiar?

Neither Kurt nor Jamie want to hurt each other. Unfortunately, they are also not open to learning about their own feelings and behaviors, or each other's. Resorting to controlling behavior keeps them safe and eliminates the need to effectively communicate their fear. Fear is what motivates their intention to control and in the face of fear, their love dissipates.

Instead of each person taking full responsibility for his or her own happiness and unhappiness, they gave that job to each other. Imagine that your feelings are a child within. Imagine what would happen if you had an actual child that you kept trying to give to others to take care of. That child would feel scared and insecure most of the time. Yet that is exactly what happens when we make others responsible for our feelings - our child within feels scared, insecure, angry, depressed, and anxious. It is only when we take responsibility for our own feelings, which we can do through the intent to learn, that we will feel secure enough to give up the need to control and resist control.

It would be easy to blame Jamie for their problems - if only she didn't get so needy and angry, everything would be fine. It's just as easy to blame Kurt - if only he was more attentive and caring. Yet until both Jamie and Kurt are willing to take responsibility for their own feelings, and until loving themselves and each other is more important than controlling or not being controlled, their conflicts will continue.

The act of taking responsibility has nothing to do with blame or fault. Each person taking full responsibility eliminates the need to be right and that is an essential step to a mature and reasonable outcome. What if Jamie had started with, "Kurt, I love celebrating our anniversary and you hate it. Can we talk about what would work for both of us?" They could have more easily resolved the issue. And what if Kurt had responded to Jamie's initial controlling statements with caring and openness instead of resistance, such as, "Honey, you know I don't like celebrations, so please don't expect me to plan something. Let's talk about how we can make it work for both of us." Either one of them could have moved into an intent to learn and taken responsibility for creating what they wanted.

Each of us has the choice to begin to notice our intention.

If each of us changed our intention from controlling to loving, and learned to take responsibility for our own feelings, we would each be participating in healing our relationships and thereby healing our planet.

Wedding Anniversary Symbols   

Wedding Anniversary Symbols

Most people are aware that significant wedding anniversaries such as 25th and 40th are linked to precious stones, in these cases silver and ruby. However, it is less well known that all anniversaries up to and including the 15th, and then every 5th anniversary, have their own particular symbol. The list below shows the symbol traditionally associated with each anniversary.

ANNIVERSARY

1st - Paper

2nd - Cotton

3rd - Leather

4th - Books

5th - Wood

6th - Sugar, candy

7th - Wool, cooper

8th - Bronze, pottery

9th - Pottery, willow

10th - Tin, aluminium

11th - Steel

12th - Silk, linen

13th - Lace

14th - Ivory

15th - Crystal

20th - China

25th - Silver

30th - Pearl

35th - Coral

40th - Ruby

45th - Sapphire

50th - Gold

60th - Diamond

75th - Diamond

The Silver (25th) and Golden (50th) Anniversaries appear to be the most traditional. In Central Europe going back hundreds of years a man would present his wife with a silver or golden garland to mark the occasion of their anniversary.

The other materials have been added to the list more recently, and there is now a more modern list which incorporates the missing years 16-19. Amazingly, a ten carat diamond has been added for a 100th Wedding Anniversary! How many couples will get that far?

The traditional version is still preferred by most people.

Wedding Anniversary Symbols   

Wedding Anniversary Signature Frame - The Perfect Anniversary Gift!

So you're having a wedding anniversary. Congratulations! It's quite a remarkable achievement in this day and age and whether you're celebrating a 10th, 25th, or 50yr anniversary each year marks a memorable milestone and deserves a special celebration. It also requires a unique gift to commemorate and memorialize such an important occasion.

While it's important to find an anniversary gift that will pay homage to your past memories as well as capture your new memories, you may also want to incorporate the traditional wedding items such as silver on a 25th anniversary or gold for your 50th landmark anniversary. Wouldn't it be great to find an anniversary gift that can include all of these attributes?

Well, there is and it's called a signature frame, and if you're not familiar with this gift it is a picture frame that can display various photographs of a couple's favorite memories surrounded by signatures of friends and family attending their special day. It is the modern photo album and guestbook combined and it is able to display past and anniversary day memories together in one eye-catching frame.

The way in which these frames can accomplish all this is by including them at your next anniversary party and it's simple! By displaying photographs of the anniversary couple inside the signature frame at the party, guests can view these photographs and be included in the couple's past history and memories while they autograph the signature frame. A personalized engraving in silver or brass can also be incorporated in the frame to follow the traditional anniversary gift customs while also adding a timeless permanence to the frame.

The signed frame, complimented with pictures can then be presented to the anniversary couple at the end of the party as a gift from everyone. Signature frames also have the added benefit of allowing couples to add or change photographs taken at their anniversary party.

By combining a little of the old and part of the new, Anniversary Signature frames will display your past and present memories surrounded by the signatures of family friends that were part of your special day. Your signature frame will become a cherished family heirloom to be enjoyed for decades to come.

Wedding Anniversary Symbols   

Wedding Anniversary Signature Frame - The Perfect Anniversary Gift!

So you're having a wedding anniversary. Congratulations! It's quite a remarkable achievement in this day and age and whether you're celebrating a 10th, 25th, or 50yr anniversary each year marks a memorable milestone and deserves a special celebration. It also requires a unique gift to commemorate and memorialize such an important occasion.

While it's important to find an anniversary gift that will pay homage to your past memories as well as capture your new memories, you may also want to incorporate the traditional wedding items such as silver on a 25th anniversary or gold for your 50th landmark anniversary. Wouldn't it be great to find an anniversary gift that can include all of these attributes?

Well, there is and it's called a signature frame, and if you're not familiar with this gift it is a picture frame that can display various photographs of a couple's favorite memories surrounded by signatures of friends and family attending their special day. It is the modern photo album and guestbook combined and it is able to display past and anniversary day memories together in one eye-catching frame.

The way in which these frames can accomplish all this is by including them at your next anniversary party and it's simple! By displaying photographs of the anniversary couple inside the signature frame at the party, guests can view these photographs and be included in the couple's past history and memories while they autograph the signature frame. A personalized engraving in silver or brass can also be incorporated in the frame to follow the traditional anniversary gift customs while also adding a timeless permanence to the frame.

The signed frame, complimented with pictures can then be presented to the anniversary couple at the end of the party as a gift from everyone. Signature frames also have the added benefit of allowing couples to add or change photographs taken at their anniversary party.

By combining a little of the old and part of the new, Anniversary Signature frames will display your past and present memories surrounded by the signatures of family friends that were part of your special day. Your signature frame will become a cherished family heirloom to be enjoyed for decades to come.

Wedding Anniversary Symbols   

Wedding Anniversary Symbols

Most people are aware that significant wedding anniversaries such as 25th and 40th are linked to precious stones, in these cases silver and ruby. However, it is less well known that all anniversaries up to and including the 15th, and then every 5th anniversary, have their own particular symbol. The list below shows the symbol traditionally associated with each anniversary.

ANNIVERSARY

1st - Paper

2nd - Cotton

3rd - Leather

4th - Books

5th - Wood

6th - Sugar, candy

7th - Wool, cooper

8th - Bronze, pottery

9th - Pottery, willow

10th - Tin, aluminium

11th - Steel

12th - Silk, linen

13th - Lace

14th - Ivory

15th - Crystal

20th - China

25th - Silver

30th - Pearl

35th - Coral

40th - Ruby

45th - Sapphire

50th - Gold

60th - Diamond

75th - Diamond

The Silver (25th) and Golden (50th) Anniversaries appear to be the most traditional. In Central Europe going back hundreds of years a man would present his wife with a silver or golden garland to mark the occasion of their anniversary.

The other materials have been added to the list more recently, and there is now a more modern list which incorporates the missing years 16-19. Amazingly, a ten carat diamond has been added for a 100th Wedding Anniversary! How many couples will get that far?

The traditional version is still preferred by most people.

Wedding Anniversary Symbols   

Wedding Anniversary Signature Frame - The Perfect Anniversary Gift!

So you're having a wedding anniversary. Congratulations! It's quite a remarkable achievement in this day and age and whether you're celebrating a 10th, 25th, or 50yr anniversary each year marks a memorable milestone and deserves a special celebration. It also requires a unique gift to commemorate and memorialize such an important occasion.

While it's important to find an anniversary gift that will pay homage to your past memories as well as capture your new memories, you may also want to incorporate the traditional wedding items such as silver on a 25th anniversary or gold for your 50th landmark anniversary. Wouldn't it be great to find an anniversary gift that can include all of these attributes?

Well, there is and it's called a signature frame, and if you're not familiar with this gift it is a picture frame that can display various photographs of a couple's favorite memories surrounded by signatures of friends and family attending their special day. It is the modern photo album and guestbook combined and it is able to display past and anniversary day memories together in one eye-catching frame.

The way in which these frames can accomplish all this is by including them at your next anniversary party and it's simple! By displaying photographs of the anniversary couple inside the signature frame at the party, guests can view these photographs and be included in the couple's past history and memories while they autograph the signature frame. A personalized engraving in silver or brass can also be incorporated in the frame to follow the traditional anniversary gift customs while also adding a timeless permanence to the frame.

The signed frame, complimented with pictures can then be presented to the anniversary couple at the end of the party as a gift from everyone. Signature frames also have the added benefit of allowing couples to add or change photographs taken at their anniversary party.

By combining a little of the old and part of the new, Anniversary Signature frames will display your past and present memories surrounded by the signatures of family friends that were part of your special day. Your signature frame will become a cherished family heirloom to be enjoyed for decades to come.

Wedding Anniversary Symbols   

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